When my second child came along, I worried I wouldn’t love him as much as my first. Of course I did, and I expected to love them the same.
I thought having two boys meant I could repeat everything for Cameron—he could wear Nathan’s outgrown clothes, play with Nathan’s outgrown toys, etc. I learned, much to my surprise, that children aren’t the same. Nathan didn’t equal Cameron, and neither did my love.
Nathan adored cars from the beginning, and taking things apart. Cameron preferred action figures and drawing. Nathan was tall and slim. Cameron was tall and, well, not slim. Cameron told me once that he could never get married. “Mom, I’m going to give all my money to the poor. I can’t afford a wife.” Nathan would walk into a store and tell me how he would rob it.
A stern look would send Cameron into distress. He’d burst into tears and exclaim, “You don’t care for me!” Disciplining Nathan took words and looks, more words and looks, and usually a spanking. That kid loved to push all buttons, literally and figuratively! As my boys grew, so did my parenting skills (or so I imagined). I learned which phrases and discipline methods worked best on which child. I also adapted my encouragement and teaching to fit their personalities.
Cameron needed to be a leader instead of a follower. We put him in situations so that he could make decisions and take the first steps for others to follow. He grew to understand that he could say “no” when others tried to influence him. He learned to stand up for himself and for what was right. Maybe a little too much! Cameron told me that during his work evaluation, his supervisor remarked that his peers felt he gave his opinion a little too much.
Nathan had to learn empathy, and that being right wasn’t more important than being kind. We gave him opportunities to show love and caring, such as handing out cookies to children in subsidized housing and working with the preschoolers at church. At twenty-six, Nathan’s friends have mentioned his kindness and empathy toward others.
I struggled those first few years of parenting because I tried to love my kids equally. I was so worried I might love one more than the other, and I consumed my days doling out my love in carefully measured portions. When the lightbulb moment hit and I realized the insanity of my parenting, I took a step back and regrouped. I finally got it—parenting isn’t about loving my children equally. It’s about loving them the way that they need it. I wasn’t the perfect mom, by anyone’s scale. I didn’t love my kids equally, just the way that they needed. And that’s so much better!
Jann Goar Franklin graduated Russellville High School in 1989. You can reach her at jann@jannfranklin.com